


keep me where the light is

by nutmeg101



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, National Women's Soccer League, US Women's Soccer National Team, Women's Professional Soccer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 22:35:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1758667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutmeg101/pseuds/nutmeg101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It’s a quiet, but heavy admission and the words sit like cinder blocks in Hope’s chest. She still vividly remembers the way they left things during her last visit to New Jersey."</p>
            </blockquote>





	keep me where the light is

**Author's Note:**

> Past is in italics, but y'all already knew that.

Hope isn’t expecting it when Kate kisses her. 

The only source of illumination comes from the single pool light that flickers and the midnight glow of the moon overhead. The breeze picks up the scent of a nearby barbecue and swishes through the trees; wispy tassel-like flowers from the fringe trees gently float to the corner of the hardwood deck, covering it like snow.

Kate swims in lazy circles around Hope, softly splashing water at her. It’s purposeful and playful; flirtatious and teasing. Much like their friendship has been lately, though it’s mostly one-sided. Kate makes advances; touches, whispers, looks. Hope tries to welcome them; she smiles, settles into the touches, and never breaks eye contact. It’s a tease in itself because Hope knows there’s nothing more to it.

Kate’s a good flirt, but Hope is Hope.

The bumpy current of the neck deep water sweeps the underside of Hope’s chin. She watches Kate’s every move, moving in smaller circles with her. She feels like she’s playing a weird game of tag, like Kate is “it” but doesn’t know if she should run or just give in.

Then suddenly, Kate’s head dips below the surface and when she resurfaces, she’s right in front of Hope, breathing in her air. It’s close enough that Hope can see the hunger in her eyes and the way her eyeliner has smudged. Kate spits a precise and gentle stream of water at Hope’s chin. She waits a moment, testing to see if she’ll make a move or retaliate. Hope looks like she’s trying to get out a word, but Kate is impatient, she’s been waiting too long for this and hastily closes the gap, pressing their lips together.

At first, Hope thinks she’s imagining it, but she’s barely had anything to drink. It feels surreal. She hadn’t actually expected Kate to follow through on her advances and now that she has, for the first time, she's speechless. Not that she could talk anyways.

There’s no immediate impulse to kiss her back. No doubt there’s been buildup, however dull and lackluster it may have been, but Hope doesn’t know what to do with her hands. Part of her almost wants to push her off, but how do you turn down a kiss from someone as beautiful as Kate? 

The answer is: you don’t. And if Hope is being completely honest, she just has a thing for brunette defenders.

She settles into it, but noncommittally. Kate’s hands are cool on her face, firmly and possessively and she’s deepening the kiss, vying desperately for Hope’s affection. Hope goes along with it, but she’s waiting for that tingle or spark, something to let her know that this is supposed to happen.

Nothing comes. 

She’s too apprehensive and concerned with the fact that it just doesn’t feel right; it’s unnatural. Kate is too tall, well only two inches taller, but she actually has to tilt her head upwards and hold onto her for balance. _She’s_ supposed to be the taller one. Their embrace is hollow and stiff; Kate is too thin and can’t fill the spaces in between them properly. Instead of shutting out the world and just losing herself in the kiss, which lacks much conviction, Hope’s mind is elsewhere.

She’s thinking that Kelley could do this better. 

*** 

_There are three distinct knocks at Hope’s hotel room door. Instinctively, she knows that it’s Kelley. This has become routine. Hanging out in each other’s rooms after National Team games and practices. They don’t get to spend a lot of time together, especially during the NWSL season, so they always make the most of it._

_It becomes a rarer and rarer occurrence and Hope doesn’t even realize the breath she takes or the way she actually fixes her always flawless hair in the mirror before opening the door._

_“What up, Esperanza?”_

_Hope sighs and rolls her eyes as she opens it wider for Kelley to come in. There’s an unwarranted pang of what she thinks is affection in her chest for Kelley, who literally skips past her, arms swinging, and makes herself comfortable on her bed, settling at the edge._

_“You know I hate that.”_

_“That’s why I do it.”_

_Of course that’s why she does it. She loves to get a rise out of Hope and she loves it even more when Hope tries to get a rise out of her. At the very core of it, they’re best friends, but there’s always been this unspoken undercurrent of something waiting to be sparked._

_“We beat China today,” Hope says lightly and casually as if Kelley hadn’t been there too. She sits next to her and leans back, letting her head fall to the stiff and lumpy mattress. Her legs dangle off the bed._

_“You’re surprised?”_

_“Well, no, but a win is a win, right?”_

_Kelley leans back too, falling comfortably next to Hope. Their arms lay flush against each other and as much as Hope tries to hide it, she knows that Kelley is aware of the shiver that runs through her. They’ve always been in tune like that._

_“Right.” She grins, turning her head towards Hope. “It was also your 150 th cap.”_

_For a moment, Hope loses herself in Kelley’s eyes and almost forgets that tomorrow they’ll be 3000 miles apart and reduced to playing phone-tag, sporadic texts, snapchats, and maybe the occasional tweet. Suddenly and weirdly enough, it stings less to know she won’t be the only one having to cope with that._

_“And 70 th shutout,” she finally manages._

_“Briana who?”_

_They fall into a fit of laughter; loud bellows, soft giggles, and Kelley even snorts. Sometimes Hope forgets what it’s like to be this happy when she’s at home in Seattle with only her pets. Sure she has friends, but none like Kelley. Someone that it’s just so easy with, someone that brings out her inner joy, and someone that just knows her. She hasn’t opened up to a lot of people, but it’s different with her._

_It’s safe._

_“I guess we should celebrate, then,” Hope says, getting up. She’s feeling overly sentimental and that unsettles her. She grabs the bottle of red wine from the desk, (the one that reception had left in Pinoe’s room as some kind of gift, but Pinoe hates red wine and offered it up) and motions for Kelley to bring the two glasses from the bathroom._

_-_

_Hope’s judgment is far too clouded to think that kissing Kelley might be a bad idea, but it’s just clouded enough that she’s actually working up the courage to do it. She can’t even blame it entirely on the alcohol because she’s had this thought sober before. It’s been a suppressed internal struggle for god knows how long, and now it’s literally on the tip of her lips and in every breath that she takes._

_The opportunity is finally presenting itself._

_Kelley just looks so- it’s a ridiculous word that Hope would never use to describe a person, but she looks irresistible; face flushed, either from the wine or from Hope (probably both); eyes hooded, this dreamy perma-smile and just the way she keeps touching her knee or her hand every time she laughs has something stirring inside of Hope._

_And then there’s a moment when the laughter dies and there’s this surge of electricity between them; a lightning bolt that, for just long enough, flashes the hidden salacity behind their eyes. Kelley just_ looks _at Hope and before Hope can stop herself, she’s leaning forward to kiss her, one hand on the bed to keep her balance and the other lightly cupping the side of her face._

_Kelley returns the kiss with so much fervor that it actually surprises Hope. It’s hot and languid, like years of pent up desire are finally surfacing and Hope feels it all the way in her toes._

_God, Kelley’s lips maneuver around Hope’s like they’ve been there a thousand times that Hope is almost mad that she hadn’t discovered this sooner._

_But best friends aren’t supposed to kiss like this, right?_

_Hope had never foreseen anything more than friendship for them so she’s hesitant to let it go any further._

_But when Kelley emits the tiniest of sighs and her hand drops to the inside of Hope’s thigh, her entire body clenches and lights on fire and she decides to make an exception to the rule._

***

Hope isn’t expecting to spend as much time as she does with Kate.

They’ve been friends and teammates for years, but it’s always been more professional than anything else. She prefers to keep her teammates at an arm’s length because when you’re the world’s number one women’s goalkeeper and in the limelight as often as she is, not everyone’s motives for friendship are as pure as they may seem.

Not that kissing Kate had been un-enjoyable, or that she doesn’t trust her; she just fears that she might be getting too attached and expecting more than she can offer. 

Hope fills up Leo’s food bowl and from where she’s standing in the kitchen, she can see Kate in the living room curled up on the couch casually watching TV with Captain Sully in her lap. He doesn’t like a lot of people, but was quick to take to her. He purrs loudly as she scratches his head.

She had never planned or even really wanted this to happen, but it feels like they’re in some kind of relationship. Kate is just always so comfortable, although that is partly attributed to Hope for letting her _get_ so comfortable. She may not realize it, but Kate is just filling a void in her. She’s taken multiple showers at her house, knows the code to the garage, and even knows how to work the new-fangled heat settings for the pool- something that Hope is still trying to do.

The only other person to know and do all that had been Kelley.

Kate senses Hope. She turns and catches her gaze and just sort of smiles innocently. There’s a flash of something in her eyes and Hope kind of forgets where she’s going or what she’s doing. Not because she’s suddenly overwhelmed by affection or desire, although the attraction is there, but because the moment reeks of familiarity and the déjà vu hits her square in the chest like a bullet.

*** 

_“O’Hara,” Hope pleads, poking her head into living room from the kitchen. It’s the third time today she’s had to do this. “Please take your feet off the coffee table.”_

_Kelley’s eyes barely peek over the arm of the couch, hidden partially by a pillow. Hope can’t see the rest of her face, but she knows she’s grinning by the way her eyes glimmer, almost challenging._

_Hope’s gaze is insistent and challenges her back. She could do this all day. Stare at Kelley, that is._

_“But my feet are clean,” Kelley eventually whines, “and Leo is taking up the rest of the couch.”_

_“I told you not to let him up.”_

_“But he’s so – how could I say no to that face?”_

_“_ Leo _,” Hope warns sternly. His ears draw back and he jumps off the couch. She redirects her attention to the 25-year-old child on her couch and all she has to do is lift an eyebrow._

_Kelley huffs. “Fine.” She sits up and reluctantly removes her feet. Captain Sully appears from under the couch and paws at her ankles. She picks him up and puts him in her lap._

_“That wasn’t so hard was it?” Hope winks. She catches the tail end of Kelley sticking her tongue out at her and waits until she’s fully in the kitchen again before rolling her eyes and laughing to herself._

_Kelley waits a moment before returning her feet to the coffee table._

_“Don’t tell mom,” she whispers to the cat, but Captain Sully is having none of it. He wriggles around, freeing himself and darts away. She frowns._

_Kelley isn’t as quiet as she thinks though because Hope’s muffled warning filters through the wall._

_“If I come back in there and your damn feet are on that table again,” but she finds it impossible to actually be mad at Kelley and starts to laugh, “I’m demoting you from the guestroom to the garage. You can cuddle with Leo all you want in there.”_

_“Can I sleep in your room instead?” Kelley calls back. “I’d rather cuddle with you.”_

_There’s no response, in fact it falls completely silent for a moment before the coffee machine starts up. Then Hope reemerges. She stares at Kelley’s complacent smile and her eyes have the same look they did on the night they kissed for the first and only time; it’s the kiss they’ve kind of swept under the rug and don’t really talk about because it’s sort of understood (for a multitude of reasons) that it’s not going to happen again._

_And then she looks at her feet. It’s like Kelley owns the damn place._

Test me, I dare you _is written all over Hope’s face and Kelley is just_ waiting _for her to say or do something._

_“Play your cards right and you might just be rewarded.”_

_Hope watches Kelley’s cheeks redden and her feet fly off the table._

*** 

Hope isn’t expecting it when Kate cooks for her.

“Just go watch a movie or something, I’ll let you know when dinner is done.”

Kate ushers Hope into her own living room and forces her onto the couch. Hope tries to protest, but Kate is insistent. Her excuse is that her kitchen is tiny and that she loves to cook but never gets the chance to. Hope is still is still hesitant. There’s hardly any food in her house anyways and how could Kate possibly have the energy to cook an entire meal when they’ve just had full day of practice? 

“You really don’t have to.”

“But I want to. Plus I’ve already started.”

“What? When?”

“When you were in the shower.”

Eventually, Hope gives in. She _is_ getting hungry and Kate’s looking at her with these big pouty eyes that she can’t say no to. She’d rather go out or order something, though. It’s quicker and more casual. The thought of Kate actually cooking dinner for her is overwhelming. It’s too intimate. And now she knows she’s getting too attached.

It was just one damn kiss.

Hope decides it’s too much and she’s halfway to the kitchen to try and stop her again when she hears something being slid into the oven and smells the roasting vegetables pleasantly wafting throughout the house. Her stomach grumbles and her mouth waters.

She groans, frustrated, and sits back down on the couch.

-

It’s extravagant and formal. The table is actually set with proper place settings and Hope is glad that she hadn’t left the candles out from the other night when the power had gone out.

It’s borderline romantic and Hope Solo doesn’t do romantic.

“This…you _really_ didn’t have to do all this.” She tries her hardest to hide her discomfort. 

Kate just shrugs and smiles. “Come on, let’s eat.”

The rice is undercooked and too salty, the vegetables are soggy, and the chicken kind of tastes like cardboard. Hope has to wash down every bite with water. There’s no way something that smelled so good could taste like…this. In a way, she’s relieved. She would have hated herself had she actually enjoyed the meal, but she stomachs it and smiles through it for Kate’s sake.

***

 _Kelley rips off the top of the Kraft blue box macaroni and cheese with her teeth and dumps the noodles into the boiling water. Behind her, Hope reaches around and takes the box, inspecting it. Kelley can actually hear her disgust._

_“Ugh, I can’t believe you eat this crap or that I’m about to let you feed it to me. In my own house.”_

_“That’s what you get for asking me to pick up lunch.”_

_“Really?” Hope steps away and leans against the fridge, still keeping a close eye on Kelley. She had given her one simple task and grimaces when she reads the sodium content on the nutritional label. “Because there are about a thousand other things you could have gotten or places you could have gone.”_

_Kelley turns to Hope very matter-of-factly, accidentally dripping hot, starchy water from the wooden spoon onto the floor, which Leo licks up. If Hope had wanted “real” food, she should have gotten it herself, but such is the life of someone who is constantly on the phone with media, potential sponsors, or just anybody that wants a piece of her. Of course Kelley had been more than willing to run the errand, but Hope should know better than to trust her with the likes of food._

_“Yes, but none would have been as delicious and heavenly as this. And it’s made with real cheese, so.”_

_Hope scoffs. She’s not at all surprised that this is a staple in Kelley’s diet, what with all the other weird processed foods she eats like frozen dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and Eggo waffles. Well, Hope eats Eggo waffles too, but that’s where she draws the line; at factory manufactured waffle batter because it just has a more appetizing ring to it than factory manufactured blended together chunks of grade-less chicken._

_It’s honestly remarkable that Kelley is actually as healthy and in as amazing shape as she is._

_Hope takes the packet of powered cheese from Kelley’s hand and tears it open. A cloud of yellow dust billows in her face and she wrinkles her nose, fanning it away._

_“Last I checked, that is not cheese, no matter what the box says.” She hands the packet back to Kelley. “This is almost as bad as that weird string cheese you eat.”_

_“Hey, that’s also delicious. There’s calcium in it.”_

_“But it’s also probably a chemical away from being actual plastic. Just because it tastes…good,” Hope uses the term ‘good’ very loosely, “doesn’t mean it’s good for you.”_

_Kelley turns back around, stirring the noodles. “Who are you? My mother?”_

_“No, but by the looks of it, you require constant supervision twenty four-seven.”_

_Hope’s overly incessant need to always have this watchful eye over Kelley has never lost its charm. It’s just the nature of their strange relationship and it’s one of the things Kelley admires most about Hope (and even sometimes swoons at) because it’s not something she does for everyone._

_“Why do you think I come here so often, then?”_

_Kelley turns off the stove and she can feel the burn of Hope’s gaze on her as she pulls the bowls from the cabinets. She looks at her and Hope quirks an eyebrow, waiting for an answer as if she doesn’t already know what Kelley is going to say._

_It’s only intended as a joke, but the words carry a weight and hold a deeper meaning._

_“I like it when you take care of me.”_

_-_

_Kelley plops a spoonful of the brightly and unnaturally coloured mac and cheese into Hope’s bowl and watches her intently from across the counter as she pokes around at it before trying her first forkful._

_You’d think that she was about to eat a bowl of worms, or something._

_Hope’s face is unreadable. She chews a few times and lets a breath out through her nose, but her eyes never leave Kelley’s. She would never admit it, but she actually likes it._

_“It could be worse.”_

_Kelley just smirks and gives her another spoonful._  

***

Hope isn’t expecting it when Kelley calls her in the middle of the night.

Heart pounding from the sudden loud ringing and head in sorts – she’s blinking to try and get the room to focus, she sits up and stares at Kelley’s name and picture on the screen before answering. She’s no stranger to her late night calls, but it’s been too long that it’s worrisome; her shoulders stiffen and the back of her throat goes dry. 

“Kelley?”

“Hope.” Her voice is low and scratchy, but calm and it pulls at Hope’s heartstrings.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, I couldn’t sleep. Did I wake you?”

Hope relaxes, letting her shoulders droop. 

“You know I always have time for you. What’s going on?” 

It’s true. Of all the people in the world, Kelley is the only person that can make Hope stop whatever she’s doing and give up her time. The first couple of months after the Olympics, when their separation anxiety had been at its height, they had both consistently exceeded their monthly phone minutes and data plans for each other. 

Even now if the phone calls and FaceTimes are less frequent (they’re actually lucky if they get to talk a couple times a months, aside from brief post game encounters), Hope still pulls over if she’s driving to talk to her and will even walk away from her TV shows. 

There’s static on the other end of the line, but Hope can hear Kelley shuffling around in her bed. It’s almost 3 AM in New Jersey so she knows there’s something on her mind.

Kelley lets out a long sigh, as if she’s been holding onto a burden.

“I – I miss you.”

It’s a quiet, but heavy admission and the words sit like cinder blocks in Hope’s chest. She still vividly remembers the way they left things during her last visit to New Jersey. Well, she was with the team, but had snuck away for the night. It was open-ended the way they left it, less than optimistic. 

Something about that visit in particular held extra weight; possibly it was the implicit acknowledgement that there was far more to them than just friendship. But they had never discussed being anything other than friends. In Hope’s mind, there was no need to; one kiss wasn’t enough to warrant such a conversation. Mostly, it was out of the fear of ruining something really good.

Then there’s the whole living 3000 miles apart thing. 

It works for being just friends. There are no commitments, no obligations. But how could they both have been so stubborn and ignorant to ignore that tug? Hope feels it right now. Their magnetism has always been inevitable (and probably why she can’t feel anything when she’s with Kate), but was it worth the risk? 

The embrace had been painful. Silent. A few dozen rounds of shared and synchronized heartbeats so palpable that neither of them knew where they began and ended. Kelley’s face buried all the way into Hope’s neck and Hope’s arms wrapped so tightly around her. And then, just like that, Kelley was closing the door of Hope’s cab and watching her drive away.

Somewhere, somehow, they drifted apart. The distance hurt them more than it should have and more than they wanted it to and it was simply easier to let it come between them than try to fight it. In retrospect, Hope recognizes how wildly stupid that was.

“I miss you too.” It feels like anvils being lifted off her shoulders.

“Can I come visit you soon?” 

Hope doesn’t miss a beat.

“Yes. Please.” She can practically hear Kelley smiling through the phone and it makes her wish that an entire country didn’t separate them. “Or I can come to you. It doesn’t matter. Whatever you want.”

“Will you actually take me up the Space Needle this time?”

“Will _you_ actually take me to the Jersey Shore?” 

Kelley laughs; a sound that Hope hadn’t realized she's missed so much until now.

“Fine. But all you’ll see are meatheads with greasy hair and stupid tattoos.”

“Maybe I’m into that.” 

“You’re not and I know that for a fact.”

Hope settles back into her bed, pulling the covers up to her chin. It’s the first time in a long time she’s donned a genuine smile and she doesn’t want it to go away.

“Let me stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep.” 

“Like old times?” 

Hope nods as if Kelley can see, but somehow she doesn’t doubt that she knows.

“Like old times.”

*** 

Kelley is asleep by the way her breathing changes. It’s light and rapid and if Hope closes her eyes, she can still feel the way it would dance across her neck when they would fall asleep together. 

Even if there’s not actually anything going on between her and Kate, she knows that she’ll have to distance her. Kate’s intentions are there – she likes Hope and it isn’t a secret, but Hope doesn’t have it in her to lead her on anymore. Not when it’s clear that she’s never really gotten over Kelley.

And Kate will never be Kelley. She’ll never even come close.

Talking to Kate might be easy, she’s sweet and funny, but sometimes it’s _too_ simple. Hope’s wit is razor sharp she and needs someone that can keep up with her, someone that can give her that healthy give and take of sass. 

Someone like Kelley.

Kelley _knows_ Hope. She knows that the scent of Wisteria reminds her of an old dog she once had because of where her family buried him and now she can’t bear to smell it because it brings back even more memories of her father.

She knows that Hope’s biggest fear is losing her freedom; to be in control of her own life and own actions is more important than anything else. Kelley’s seen it in the way she commands the pitch, the way she handles the media, and simply in the way she lives day by day.

Most importantly, and it’s something that Hope has known all along, but only now letting herself actually feel, is that Kelley knows how to make her _happy_ even if all this time and space has come in between them. 

People constantly come and go in her life and she’s been through the worst of times; she’s seen the darkness and felt the self-hatred, but Kelley’s always been that rock and shining beacon for her. She’ll always know her on this level that no one else, especially Kate, ever will and Hope is more than okay with that.

She doesn’t even _want_ anyone else to know her like that.

*** 

Hope _definitely_ isn’t expecting it when she realizes she might be in love with Kelley O’Hara.

 

**THE END**

 

**Author's Note:**

> Oh man, you guys have no idea how hard this was to write. Writing about someone that you really don't know much about is so frustrating. There are only so many interviews of Kate online and none of them really showcase what her personality is like so I basically made her up as I went. It turned out to be more O'Solo than anything else because in all honesty, as much as I actually want to ship Hope and Kate, I can't. It's Hope and Kelley for life and I ain't sorry about that ;)
> 
> Anyways, ENJOY! And I always love and appreciate feedback :)


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